I Hate This Career

The New York Stock Exchange traded very well this morning. So good, in fact, that I wonder how I managed to wreck my PnL in both cash open and asset trading.

I was fairly certain that after 3 break evens on the cash open, I would catch a decent move on the good size that I determined for today’s risk. Instead, I lost the next trade, the next trade after that and then two more times after a couple of lukewarm moves from the market. I just did not have the ability to forecast where the buying and selling was and it really showed up on the number of round trips I made.

It was the same for my asset trades. I thought I had an idea of where Orange Juice was moving but in the end, things just fizzled out and most of my tickets were spent just trying to position myself and gradually taking myself out of losing positions.

In the end, my PnL looked like utter trash. There wasn’t even an option for me to try and save it with more trading. I needed to stop before I did more damage to my capital.


I have been thinking about this for a long time but I believe that this laptop that I have will be the last Windows-based machine I will own. Of course, my work programs are here but to ask anything else of this machine – even as medium specced as it is is like asking people in San Francisco to stop shitting on public sidewalks – it’s not gonna happen and the end result will actually be what public sidewalks in San Francisco look like. I love Windows, don’t get me wrong. I think Windows 10 is fantastic. However, after having spent time with my wife’s MacBook Pro, it’s just not a contest when it comes to usability and liveability. Apple’s products are just better made and easier to live with – even easier than my cousin’s radically spaced out desktop system that he built himself. I need products that work seamlessly with their inner components. I love companies that are vertically integrated and Apple falls into that category where they do most of their components instead of relying on other companies for a lot of parts. This is the conclusion I am coming up with as well in my search for a new truck. Like I said, I love my RAM but I recognize that they have to build around the Cummins engine unlike Ford whose powerhouse is build within the company.

Damn first world problems.

Missing Link Of The Annihilator; Absolute Zero

I have no idea what the market is doing right now.

And frankly, I don’t give a komodo dragon’s diarrheic bowel movement. I am free today. Free to roll the ball in what will be my the final sets of entried I put on this blog.

The thing about trading, or making money is that once you get to the “peak of the mountain”, the real work starts. Whatever struggles you had and whatever pain you went through just to get here – it all doesn’t magically go away. I see a lot of these “trading celebrities” chalking up their newfound lifestyles talking about how they’ve “made it” – and yet, they’re still running advisory services on a subscription basis. The point is, I have met a lot of these people and because I’m a jealous and vindictive fuck, do my research on them to find that the reality of their lives is as byzantine as the methods they use to keep it hidden.

I say byzantine because I’m not going to make any statements as to the quality or morality by which these people conduct their lives. I’ll let you, the reader, infer for yourselves.

Because he who lives in a glass house, should not throw stones. And believe, me my house is pretty much all glass.

But the reality of my life is byzantine in other ways and that’s what I wanted to take this post to talk about. Furthering the point about what happens after you “succeed”, life becomes a derivative of it – still the same basics, but a derivative.

I hate this job, you should know that already. But I hate it because I thought it would take me away from the hardships that I fought so hard to avoid. Instead, I sank neck deep into it when the money started coming in. My tax liability for last year is $45,000 (rounding up) – which I have to pay in quarterly installments. I know many of you will be able to back into my “salary” that way but I mention this because I want to show you the other side of “success”. Every quarter I have to come up with $11250 which works out to $3750 per month and like $130/day. When you look at the daily number and put that up against my utilities, mortgage, etc. I am starting each day at a negative number by which I have no guarantee that I will climb out of. This is why losing days really really hurt me. A productive day which covers all my expenses AND puts some discretionary cash in my pocket and for my wife is something that I have to use my entire breadth of knowledge, risk mitigation and faith for.

And this isn’t counting the money I want to make for an emergency like, you know, one day trading just stops making money for me.

What would I do then? What could I do then.


People will generally start to get weird around you when it comes to money. I think everyone knows this. But what many people don’t know is that the existential threat to your newfound blessing will come from your immediate family. I am, by most accounts, estranged from my family and many of my friends who I came up in the business with. Do I regret it? A little bit. But at the same time, I recognize that people are different in different situations. When we were all just average shmucks doing cocaine and hookers in Tokyo and Miami it was all good and fine, but once the money started coming in then we all got a sense of each other’s priorities. I was the last out of a group of 5 guys from an even bigger group of 10 or 12 to make money and I didn’t start making serious money till my mid-20’s. What I observed from the 4 people that made it before me was how someone in their family would suddenly have this killer real-estate deal or some commercial business that would triple money in a year. You could guess how it went. I got screwed as well because my cousin kept hounding me about some real-estate in California and in the end, the builder went bankrupt and took my money with him. I practically have to hunt my cousin down nowadays everytime I need to talk to him as a result. Thankfully, it didn’t kill me but I know for many others, that was the death knell to their success.

My wife knows not to tell anyone about what I do. And I make it easier for her. We live in a modest house in a modest neighborhood. Of course, you know our biggest purchase was the swimming pool but that’s because I wanted my wife to enjoy being in the backyard. Our lawn is cut nice and green and our house is remarkably sterile and almost staged because of our minimalist tendencies. That gives us the latitude to be able to spend on what we spend on like our vehicles and our toys that keep us busy. She still works but it’s only because she wants to help me create a financial buffer but in the end, no one really knows what we do and if it does come up I tell people I’m in Finance.

But back to family.

Being well-off is…a culture. You can have money coming in but if you’re a retard, people will exploit you and you will end up blowing your ability to make money by getting yourself into shitty financial situations.

This is one of the things “success” tests you on. Your ability to not get caught up in the “success” stuff. It’s almost as if “success” imprisons you to a life of proactive austerity. I will never understand how some people who make the same or less than me take on enormous mortgages and car loans while stretching themselves thin on social commitments. None of these motherf*ckers are gonna help you when you lose money – especially your family. In fact, your family will be the first to bail on you and tell you to “get perspective” when you get into a financial bind. Nevermind the fact that you paid for a whole bunch of their shit when things were good. People always love acting boujie, going to Olive Garden everyday and making big speeches and talking about “family and love” when the money is coming in but boy, when it’s not – everybody turns into a bunch of worthless frogs croaking in the night.

When you, the reader, make it in this dumb business – and I know you will because you have the determination to do so; NEVER EVER TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU’VE MADE IT. Just trust me – never say anything. Let people find out for themselves, let them speculate. Stay the fuck off of Instagram or Facebook. Don’t post pictures of your new cars, hotels you’ve stayed in, etc. That’s just bullshit. Concentrate on your job – because once you neglect that it’ll neglect you regardless of how many years you put into it.


Lastly, I see so many people making money “talking about success”. When I was younger, I admit that I got caught up in the selling of the dream. But now, as an older…grimmer…grizzled angry fuck of a man I get low-key annoyed by hearing people with simple solutions about success. You soon realize that “talking about success” is the way these people make money and actually doing something in any field accounts for very very little of their PnL. Of course, I know of many guys who walk the walk and talk the talk but the scary thing I have found is that they are THE EXCEPTIONS THAT PROVE THE RULE, not the exceptions to it.

The truth is, success is as slippery and as non-explainable as a neo-liberals view of government and social reform. Success is arbitrary. I don’t wanna hear that shit about hard work equaling success because I know people who have worked considerably harder than me and never had anything near the amount of “success” that I do. Am I going to say that it’s a racket? No I won’t simply because in a room of a million monkeys typing on a computer, maybe 10 or 15 can come up with one coherent string of words. It’s not that success is impossible, it’s just not as possible as it is made out to be and it certainly isn’t attained through the route that most people think it’s attained through.

I just hate looking and listening to those types of media. It makes me angry and it honestly insults my effort in this ultimately stupid career choice that I made.

I wish I never went into trading. It is so absolutely….exhaustive. I will never be able to get into a field where I will make anywhere near the same amount of money in less than 10 years and I am already getting older. My wife and I want to have children and even then, that will be an addition to how much money I have to make per day. This is why I wish I just became a doctor. I regret having bought this dream of daytrading and position trading. But I probably would be in much more worse circumstances.

I just wanted to write this as a beginning to my goodbye to this blogging site. It’s my day off and I should be enjoying it. After all, I will have to work again tomorrow and being that it’s a Friday, I will need to make sure I am green to go into the weekend. For now, this is something for you guys who have read my entries and my musings. I hope your trading days went well.

As for myself, I will gorge more on food and video games while waiting for my wife to get home. It was a fun day off. I am a very fortunate person to have had it.

And of course, fuck trading.

Like Something Out Of A Dream

The New York Stock Exchange was…in a word…magnificent this morning. Smooth, silky, lustrous (I don’t even know if that’s the right spelling); it was everything that a person of the financial markets could have ever hoped it would be. Not only was the cash open like that, but so were my asset trades which were the right assets to pick considering today’s market.

I only traded the British Pound 4 times today and the entire PnL for it was amazing. Maximum size and ticks abounded. I thought to myself that this is probably as far as my luck would go and looked forward to the cash open with great trepidation.

But when the bell rang in New York, I knew that my max exposure would not only take me to the promised land, but allow me to take tomorrow off. I felt like I was in heaven and I am sure that the afternoon had even more action in store for the patient traders that were in it.

Like I said, I am going to take the day off tomorrow to just ease back from allowing myself to get too comfortable. I need to reaffirm psychologically just how difficult this game is and while a losing day makes you do that, stepping out of the ring after a big day like this is – IMO – more effective. With my wife working the whole day tomorrow, everything under the clear blue sky is mine for the taking; the pool, TV, internet, video games, the grill, etc.

Damn, trading can be such a wh*re, but when you’re making money it’s like being a billionaire and living out your days in Santa Barbara California.

Hitting The Books

The New York Stock Exchange performed very well today. While I would have loved a PnL like the ones I’ve been having for the last couple of days, I knew that the merry-go-round would end soon enough. But it wasn’t all bad. We are still feeling the residual effects from the volatility surrounding the President’s tariff threats. If history has taught us anything, we are still far from a conclusion and the Chinese want a conclusion that is profitable for them.

My trades in Feeder Cattle were nothing to write home about as I sensed a shift in the general marketplace. I wanted to go in with half of my maximum contract exposure but I thought better of it and let my risk management instincts take over. It’s good that I did because there really wasn’t much for me to work with in that market. It was two bad attempts for every one good trade. In the end, I made nothing.

Same with the cash open. While I felt like we’d be in for a triple digit day, I figured it would be a slow rise to the top with most of the action happening after the open. I was only half right on that but because I wasn’t sized up as much, I didn’t make as much money as I wanted to. It’s fine – I didn’t feel like I really had any sure footing in today’s trading anyway.

If you’ve seen my blogs in the past, you know that I still like to play video games. I am working on expanding my video game repertoire to include more titles instead of just the Madden, Call Of Duty, and Halo type games. I bought Metal Gear V: Phantom Pain some time ago and I simply could not understand anything of the games mechanics. Mind you, I wasn’t playing all that often but I just couldn’t get it. In all fairness, the game is vast and it’s more of a sweeping work of art if anything. While I did buy the game used, I knew that it would be an investment of time where I would have to learn incrementally. Unsatisfied with my progress up to now, I decided to go and buy a game guide which I will commence studying and really dig into when I take my Labor Day vacation. Here is the guide in all its glory:

I can’t wait to play the game again.

My wife wants to eat dinner at a steakhouse tonight so I guess the impending food coma will probably keep me from opening the guide tonight.

When A Plot Against The Emperor Failed….

The New York Stock Exchange traded hard today and boy was it a doozy. However it was exactly what I needed and hopefully it will set the tone volatility-wise for the rest of the week.

I did not trade any assets today because nothing registered in my risk parameters that I could justify. I did, however, trade the cash open on maximum exposure and save 2 or 3 trades where I had to get out quick, I made very good money with little work.

I wanted to swim today but today’s afternoon time had to be given towards cleaning the pool and pool filter – a deceptively strenuous ordeal. My first summer job as a young lad was a pool cleaner assistant and while you would think I would have lurid tales of scantily dressed housewives posing seductively for me as I cleaned the pool, the reality was a far more disappointing landscape filled with overweight female sea-donkeys and older single men with questionable sexual orientations and fetishes.

Speaking of older single men with questionable sexual orientations and fetishes, I was half surprised/half not when they “found” Jeffrey Epstein “dead” in his cell of a “suicide”. Man, you make all that money trading and what do you do? Pimp teeny bopper girls out to other men? Jesus, what an ass. While I think he is dead, there’s a part of me that thinks maybe this dude and his *ahem* friends were able to give him one of those pills that slow your pulse and with the help of complicit ME’s, get a death certificate issued and then *whooooosh!* while people think Jeffrey Epstein is being cremated, he is on a plane to Brazil where a plastic surgeon turns him into a tanned, smaller jawed man named Ilario Ibaez hahaha. It’s just a theory but it’s sad that it can be possible. Anyway, going back to when I heard the news of his death, you know what the first thing that came to mind was? That scene in Godfather II where Tom Hagen is tellin Frankie 5 Angels the way to make it all up to Mike. LOL